Review // CAVEGIRL - FastForwarding to the tits

So I rented this thing called the Too Cool For School Collection. It's 12 b-grade teen comedies from the 70's and 80's, spread out over 3 double-sided discs. I can't really say why I did it, I'm certainly not going to have the chance to watch all these movies in the week that I have it for (but Swazz Perkins is burning them for me so I'm not in a big rush). I guess it's because I'm a sucker for this period, I love the styles and music and just find it comforting to tuck into these washed out, simplified worlds where guys rip apart beer cans with their teeth and girls sit around naked in steamy change rooms like it's no big thing. Plus I figured that with 12 movies, I'm bound to find one stone-cold culty-classic. But after watching Cavegirl (or sorta watching it) I'm pretty sure I'm in for a brutal slog.

I watched the first 20 minutes of Cavegirl while feeding Harry, and basically it consists of Daniel Roebuck (Rivers Edge and about 100 other things) as an uber-nerd stumbling around in some terrible slapstick. His cooler classmates bully him blah blah. Standard set-up, except the execution is so insanely cheap and amateurish. I was expecting B, but this seemed more C.

The sound tipped me off immediately that I was watching a really, really cheap movie. The sound is terrible, practically no background ambiance, just dialogue and crap SFX. You know your watching a really cheap flick when the sound is awful. The opening scenes take place at a high school, but it seems like they didn't have the money to film at a functioning one, so this school has about 7 students attending it. The only highlight is when Roebuck gets locked in the girls changing room and a pack of totally hot early 80's chicks strip down after PE and then chase him around with tennis rackets.

Anyway, somehow Roebuck gets sent back in time to the cavemen era because he touches a red pulsing crystal at the exact moment that a military chopper fires a missile in the desert. I know it sounds like I'm just glossing over some details and making the set-up sound nonsensical, but I'm not. That's what happens and it's never explained as far as I can tell. Roebuck runs into some hairy cavemen who chase him around with bones and then he runs into a super hot blond sex bomb cavegirl who is not in the least bit hairy or dirty. He tries to communicate with her, but she merely grunts and smiles. So what does he do? Touches her tits.

I kept with it for another 5 or 10 minutes, but it was so bad and so boring that I ended up doing something that I haven't done since I was about 12 years old. I fast-forwarded the entire movie looking for tits. I knew more were in there, I knew that tits were the entire reason Cavegirl existed, so I just decided to forgo all the painful filler in between and just experience the essence of the movie. In a happy accident, as I tit-trolled, the lazy attempts at broad physical comedy ended up benefiting from the 2x speed increase.

I have 11 more of these movies to go. I'm in deep shit.