Comment // Stephen King's "10 best movies of 2009" is the best "10 best" list of 2009

Human pulp machine Stephen King just released his year-end Top 10 movies of 2009 and it creams the fuck out of all other year end lists.

First the list:

10. 2012
9. Fantastic Mr. Fox
8. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
7. Law Abiding Citizen
6. District 9
5. The Reader
4. Disgrace
3. The Road
2. The Last House on the Left
1. The Hurt Locker

BOOM!
Take that professional movie critics! Take that arbiters of good taste! Go fuck yourself James Cameron! Suck it other 2009 lists that only include movies that were actually released in 2009!

Not only can Stephen King write a novel in the time it takes you to pinch off an intestinal sausage, but homeboy knows how to experience movies from the GUT! He likes what he likes and he says what he likes and A.O Scott and his fellow "film critics" can go fuck themselves in their popcorn holes.

Ok, King's #1 The Hurt Locker is likely gracing more than a few year-end lists, and while The Road didn't seem to set the world on fire with its genius, I'm sure it impressed more than a few discerning list-makers. Same deal with Fantastic Mr. Fox, I'll bet it's in good stead with filmy's (new word, I made it up). But the other 8 slots? Idiosyncratic Gold!

For one thing, both Disgrace and The Reader don't even really qualify for a 2009 list, having been released last year. King burned two whole places in the list on movies from last year. Basically he's like, "So what? I liked 'em. And I happened to watch both of them on video in 2009. I'm a multi-tasker, I enjoyed Kate Winslet's powerhouse performance and nuanced tits out of the corner of my eye while writing 2 new novels, Creepy Nursery Rhyme and Spatula."

In terms of the rest of the list, King unselfconsciously declares himself a man who rents from the alphabetized outside walls of his Blockbuster, rarely venturing into the soupy middle of the store where dvd's cease to be categorized with descriptors like "Hot Titles" or "Top Rentals". And you know what? I fucking love it. I'm almost positive that Law Abiding Citizen is not the 7th best movies of the year, but I'm all for King labeling it such. His is surely not a list engineered to impress or carve out a public niche for his personal tastes. King likely watched Law Abiding Citizen on a plane en route to a book signing or in a bubble bath in a hotel and was tickled pink by the way Gerald Butler brought the whole justice system down on Jamie Foxx's head. I don't know I haven't seen it. Nor have I seen The Taking of Pelham 123, but I doubt King is faking his fondness for it, he clearly looked into John Travolta's bald spot and saw a good film.

Around this time of year, as lists are prepared and published, there rises a counter movement, the anti-list'ers. They argue that all these "best of" lists are just an excuse for critics and fanboys to engage in taste-making masturbation. They argue that there is no critical value to itemizing and quantifying art. There is some truth to this view, but at the same time, I think year-end lists provide a pop-cultural catharsis after a years worth of accumulation. Records are bought and experienced thanks to such lists. Books are read and films are watched. Lists like Kings, which burn bright amid critical collusion to deny the impact of such gems as 2012, lead consumers into unheralded corners and provide a valuable service to those looking for a nudge in a certain entertainment direction.

Now, without further ado, my 10 Best Films of 2009 list:

10. Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself
9. Anything with Matthew McConaughey (he made a movie this year right?)
8. That Twilight movie. I haven't seen it yet, but I know when I do, I'm going to love the shit out of it. Team Jacob!
7. Same deal with Harry Potter. They made one of those this year right? Well if so, I thought it was magical.
6. The International with Clive Own. (seriously, I did see this and I liked it)
5. Land of the Lost. The biggest bomb of the year. Can millions of movie-goers be wrong? Yes, they can!
4. Duplicity with Clive Owen. The movie was pretty good, but my wife immediately went into labour right after we finished it so that means it was actually amazing. My as-yet-unborn son was listening to the sounds of Duplicity and said, "Ok, I can't take it anymore! I wanna live in a world where Julia Roberts and Clive Owen trade romantic barbs and double-cross themselves into love."
3. The Boys Are Back with Clive Owen. I haven't actually seen this yet, but it stars Clive Owen as a dad with sons. I'm a dad with a son! Best. Movie. Ever.
2. Avatar. Have you seen it yet? Oh, you just have to! It's A-mazing? But go early to buy your tickets, its always sold out.
1. Fast & Furious. Dropping the "The" and boiling the series down to its essential elements (cars going fast, homo-erotic tension) reinvigorated the franchise. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker, are the greatest buddy-pairing in film history (my man Armond White likens them to DeNiro and Pacino) and those morons that decided to make 2 whole Fast and furious movies without them finally screwed their fuckheads on straight.