Review // IT'S COMPLICATED - The complications of being really, really white and really, really rich

Let me just start by saying that I'm not against these types of movies out of any kind of principle. My masculinity (what little there is of it) does not cause me to chafe against product that is clearly intended for the fairer sex. The fact that I have a dick and an Adam's apple does not preclude me enjoying films of this ilk. Chick flicks, I believe their called. No, I watch these kinds of movies here and there and I was fairly interested in this one in particular. It has Meryl Streep, Steve Martin (without a bad French accent for once!) and Alec Baldwin. That's a pretty stacked cast in my books. So the problem isn't that I just happen to be outside the target market for the movie and therefore immune to its charms. I was ready and willing to be charmed. The problem is that its charmless. Don't get me wrong, its very engaging. But only because you find yourself engaged in the act of wishing, praying and chanting for horrible calamities to befall the characters in the film, anything to weaken the vice-like grip they have over their sense of entitlement.

It's Complicated really lives up to it's title, though not in plot, but in intent. It's a dramedy that's meant to make you sniffle through the laughs, but it's neither dramatic nor funny. It's a romantic comedy that is more creepy than romantic and with laughs that are in most cases unintentional. It's also supposed to be a Feel-Good Late-Bloomer movie, except Streep's character seems to have everything in the world so it's impossible to empathize with her want for more. (Her character is designing her "dream" kitchen with the help of Steve Martin's lovelorn architect, despite the fact that her existing kitchen would make Martha Stewart pant with orgasmic abandon.) The most complicated aspect of the film is sorting out what if anything writer/director Nancy Meyers wants us to feel for these characters, because everything they say and do seems calculated to illicit overwhelming hatred --so obnoxious, spoiled an disconnected from reality are the blindingly white rich brats that populate this sunny, sterile utopia it feels like a parody of affluence. I kept expecting/wanting a dashiki-clad Jim Brown to kick in the door to Streep's cottage-style mansion and scream "die whitey!" before blowing everyone away with a Mac-10. And therein lies the real complication: does Meyers want us to hate these jerks on purpose or is she just one of them and therefore oblivious to how abhorrent they are? It would be much more fun to believe Meyers is a clandestine agitator hiding in plain view, mercilessly mocking and assailing the mindsets and lifestyles of the people who make up her target audience. But sadly I don't think this is the case.

When we meet Streep's character she is trying to balance her career as an upscale bakery owner with the stress of renovating her insanely gorgeous home. You know how it is. She's also trying to juggle both the hurt and duty she feels towards her ex-husband (Alec Baldwin) and observe the tenuous peace treaty they must uphold for the sake of their children. Normally this would be a palatable dramatic dilemma, but the divorce took place a decade ago and the children are grown fucking adults with financial safety nets made of silk and satin. Everyone in this movie is a whiny asshole and its impossible to care about any of them, including Streep's character, Paisley McRichLady. I've expressed my totally uncontroversial love for Streep on this blog before, but It's Complicated represents a new low, even for her current frivolity-focused career readjustment which includes such gems as Prime and The Devil Wears Prada. The plot revolves around a drunken one-night stand between the two exes, Streep and Baldwin and the "complicated" affair it leads to. Baldwin has entered into full-on midlife crisis mode and remarried a younger, hotter chick (who is also a one-dimensional bitch to boot) and naturally this doesn't sit well with Streep. When they find themselves back in bed together she is simultaneously vindicated and guilt-ridden at suddenly becoming the "other woman". The scene where Baldwin and Streep get it on, or I should say the post getting-it-on aftermath provides the first genuine laugh in the movie and it's all because of Baldwin's late-career commitment to self parody. As they lie in bed together--Baldwin satiated and Streep horrified--he reaches over and grabs a handful of Streep pussy over top of the sheets and sighs "it's good to be home". It's an amazing little moment and prevented me from turning the movie off, but it probably wouldn't have worked with any other actor doing the scooping, or being scooped for that matter.

Alec Baldwin is no longer an actor. He no longer plays characters. Alec Baldwin only plays Alec Baldwin anymore. He's his own brand. At one point Baldwin seemed poised to be the Next Big Movie Star. He had leading man looks, he had chops and he had a potential franchise in the Jack Ryan character. But let's face it, those leading man looks can play more like creepy-asshole in the wrong light and he's got as much attitude as hair on his chest. He's famous and rich so it all worked out fine, but in some parallel universe he's doing his 7th Jack Ryan movie and James Woods is in 30 Rock. 20 years ago Baldwin's voice, like fine cognac cascading over gravel, was the key to his short-lived sex appeal. But presently, that same voice has become a car commercial brogue--he's speaking English, but its just so comically husky that you can't take anything he says seriously. It's one of the key reasons he's fucking killing it on 30 Rock. With It's Complicated, every line he utters becomes a joke, even if its not written as one. If he doesn't exactly save the movie, he keeps you watching despite your instincts telling you to run.

Anyway, as Streep's planning out the kitchen of her dreams (as it turns out us regular folk don't dream big enough) she's courted by Joe Pesci's white-haired Asian cousin. No, no, I'm mistaken, that's Steve Martin. WHAT THE FUCK STEVE MARTIN?!? You were one of the good ones! I remember you hilariously ripping the phoney, superficial Hollywood elites at the Oscars like it was yesterday. And you go and slice up your face and get it all g-forced? Comedians are allowed to get facelifts now? When did this happen? When was it decided that people who made their livings out of making fun of things were allowed to make their actual faces into jokes? Christ, I'm so depressed now all of a sudden. So, Steve Martin with a facelift plays Streep's wussy architect and they begin courting each other despite the fact that she's still riding the Baldwin train in secret. Naturally this leads to all sorts of complications. One of hese complications is Streep's kids finding about the unusual affair and getting all confused and conflicted. There is literally a scene where Streep spends the day in bed consoling her sobbing, adult children because they are all confused that daddy stuck his dick in mommy again. The kids are all like 30 and it's actually played for dramatic effect with swelling strings and everything. It's insane!

You don't know who Nancy Meyers is. Her name doesn't register the way that Nora Ephron's does (or did). But in just 4 movies Nancy Meyers has made half a billion dollars in box office and, intentionally or otherwise, created two sub genres of chick flickage: Baby-boomers-Gone-Wild and Real Estate Porn. It all started with What Women Want, so far her biggest hit to date, but more than likely just a work-for-hire gig. Get this: it starred Mel Gibson as a high powered executive who suddenly is able to read the thoughts of women. It was insane back in 2000 when it opened, I've seen it 3 times, and I'm sure it's only appreciated in value in light of recent events. From there she made Something's Gotta Give, with Diane Keaton as a super white, super rich lady pinballing between the throbbing cocks of Jack Nicholson and Keanu Reeves. After that she made The Holiday, which was a depressingly bad rom-com that posited Jack Black as a perfectly suitable love interest for Kate Winselt. This is nothing against Jack Black. But it's everything against Kate Winslet. And now with It's Complicated, the spiritual sequel to Something's Gotta Give, Meyers has made her definitive anti-statment. It blends the elements of the two sub-genres I mentioned, with the 60+Meryl Streep tapping her inner slut against a backdrop of House and Home boner-popping centerfolds.

I'm sure Myers' next movie will be called It Is What It Is and star Meg Ryan as the CEO of a perfume empire trying to decide which of 3 mansions she should buy, meanwhile she's fucking her son's college roommate played by Robert Pattison, and loving it!